I’ve been an Onion Contributor since 2017 and was a Writing Fellow from June-December 2025.

I’ve written countless headlines, feature jokes, jokes for print, podcast jokes, and social media shareables.

Here are a few:
(Full samples upon request)

Headlines:

Articles:

The Onion has a unique writing process where headlines are often written out by other members of staff.

Here are a few of my favorite articles I drafted:

The Topical was the Onion’s daily news podcast which ran from 2020-2021.

Here are a few of my Topical headlines:

•Troubling CDC Report Finds Majority Of Americans May Not Deserve Vaccine Until 2022

•Rainforest Ecologists Warn Presence Of Invasive, Foreign Bulldozers Threatens Survival Of Native Bulldozer Species

•CDC Revises Mask Guidelines After Finding Sneezing In Your Own Mask Absolutely Disgusting

•White House Announces Plans To Hold A Second, Even Bigger Supreme Court Nomination Ceremony To Make Up For Getting Everyone Sick At The Last One

•New Dairy Industry Campaign Urges Public To Drink Something Else For A Couple Days While They Give Cows A Break

Shortlisted:

•NASA Adds Free Yoga And Massage Chairs To Improve Retention Of Astronauts Aboard ISS

•Depression Linked To Dangling Legs Out On New York City Fire Escape, Dishing Out Soulful Saxophone Solos

•Mishap At Instagram HQ Causes Thousands Of Gallons Of User Data To Leak Into Pacific Ocean

•New Paleontological Research Suggests Every Dinosaur Bone Connects To One Big Dinosaur

•OSHA Study Links Majority Of Warehouse Fires To Man In Shadows Flicking Cigarette, Saying “See You In Hell"

•NASA Launches New Research Program Aimed At Investigating Whether Alien Life Mad At Them

•Stock Market In Turmoil After Price Of Corn Just Completely Wigs The Hell Out

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